So, about a year and a half ago, roughly 1 month after seeing the first movie installment of Stephenie Meyer's ill-advised Twilight "Saga" I decided it would be a totally awesome idea to read Twilight. Because, hey, the books can't possibly be as bad as the movie, right?
Oh god. Why.
Let's keep in mind that, at the time, I was taking an intensive block-week course in school, which meant that for 5 days I spent 9 hours sitting in a classroom, condensing a semester worth of work into, well, a week. And in that week, outside of my school hours, which, okay, I probably should have spent on doing readings or preparing for my tests, I decided to read Twilight. And then New Moon. And then Eclipse. And then Breaking Dawn. And the moral of this story is that I wasted a whole lot of hours that week reading an utterly horrible series of books, and swore to myself that they would sit on one of my bookshelves as a testament to my shame over having wasted such precious time and money on something so unworthy of even a few moments fo my time or pennies of my money. Giftcards poorly spent.
And then I was talking to this guy, we'll call him @SoupyToasterson. And he mentioned that, although he has a sick love for literature designed for teen girls (one of his faves is Alice, I Think, which I have to admit is totally ballin') he had never moved past the first few pages of Twilight, because it just hurt so much.
So, he tells me he's never read it. And so I decide, well, he needs to know what it's about. He Needs To Understand. If he hasn't seen the movies or read the books, he doesn't understand. He cannot comprehend just how horrible it is.
So I made a really bad life choice and re-read Twilight. I'd intended to follow it up by rereading the rest of the series, but given that it took me a month to finish one book, I couldn't force myself to read the rest. At least not yet. Because it hurt me, and I could actually feel my brain melting out of my ears.
But I mean, that's a total waste, right? Just reading it? I needed to do something, I needed to share my information.
Enter TwiShite.
Basically, I took the time after reading each chapter of Twilight to sum it up in a neat little package. Between 8 and 45(ish) words per chapter, to be exact. My mission was to show that you could sum it up, chapter by chapter, hitting all the major plot points, and come out of a 24 chapter book using under 1000 words. And, for the record, it came in at 753. For those that are less mathematically inclined, that's a little over 30 words per chapter.
And then I divided it up, printed and folded and bound it, and now I have this perfect little book that basically ate my soul to make. Fun times.
Anyway, this book was included as the second part in @SoupyToasterson's birthday gifteroo, and is also doubling as a gift for everyone I know who has ever read Twilight, and everyone I know who has seen the movies and wants to get a refund for their time.
(Please keep in mind that I own none of the characters, "plot points," or, well, anything to do with Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. Gladly.)
My personal favourite excerpts include:
Chapter 1:
Bella Swan moves to the miserable town of Forks, Washington, to live with her dad, Charlie. She meets Edward Cullen, who can't stand to be in the same room as her. Already, two boys, Mike and Eric, are crushing on her. She cries herself to sleep.
Chapter 10:
Edward gives Bella a ride to school. Bella and Edward decide they are dating, even though they don't even hold hands. They sit together at lunch and are in love. They decide not to go to Seattle.
Chapter 11:
Edward asks Bella a lot of pointless questions.
Showing posts with label Birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Birthday. Show all posts
Monday, August 9, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
In Which I Celebrate a Birthday or Some Such Thing
So, I have this friend. Let's call him @SoupyToasterson. He is my not-so-local comic book guy, the guru of graphic novels, the dude who can convince me to read pretty much anything.
It's true. Thankfully, Guy has good taste, so I'm very rarely disappointed.
This is the guy who is celebrating his birthaversary with a pretty splendid Boy-Girl party RIGHT NOW, which is where I am. And ideally by the time he gets even close to seeing this post or the tweet that goes along with it (I'll figure out how I'll work THAT magic later), he will have opened his totally radtacular and quasi mystical gift. Which you all (Hi, Mom!) can see RIGHT NOW. Thanks to the magic of webcams and internets and this whole technology thing.
Ohmygosh.
So, I guess I should explain this a bit. A while ago, we had this conversation on the twittermachine. If you really wanted to track it down you could, but basically we have weird ideas and decided that an illustrated children's book about how unicorns are just stealthy horses should be made. Except unicorns are so stealthy they can't even be captured on a page. Hence why the Horse is there, and the unicorn is outlined with little stars. (We are awesome)
Basically, this is first "issue" as it were (the backstory to the issues to come, really) and it covers the story of a deep, resentful rivalry between, you guessed it, horses and unicorns. Or, one particular horse, and one particular unicorn, presumably fighting on behalf of all horses and unicorns. But you get the drift.
Anyway, Because it is his totally awesome birthday gift, and I wouldn't want to cheapen it by posting the entire thing online, you can take a look at the fancy cover (above) and maybe one day when I have my lapper at hand, I'll post another page. As a TEASER. But really, I'm probably never going to make another copy of this, and @SoupyToasterson will have a one of a kind comic book (which doubles as a COLOURING book and comes with crayons!) to call his own. Which involves gems such as a horse dressed up in spandex. And my very poor attempt to draw said spandex-clad horse.
Anyway, if you want to check out some party shenanigans, check out the soups and I on that tweetmadness, because I'm guessing that between us and the other party guests, we will be tweetin away about the ridiculous things that happen.
It's true. Thankfully, Guy has good taste, so I'm very rarely disappointed.
This is the guy who is celebrating his birthaversary with a pretty splendid Boy-Girl party RIGHT NOW, which is where I am. And ideally by the time he gets even close to seeing this post or the tweet that goes along with it (I'll figure out how I'll work THAT magic later), he will have opened his totally radtacular and quasi mystical gift. Which you all (Hi, Mom!) can see RIGHT NOW. Thanks to the magic of webcams and internets and this whole technology thing.
Ohmygosh.
So, I guess I should explain this a bit. A while ago, we had this conversation on the twittermachine. If you really wanted to track it down you could, but basically we have weird ideas and decided that an illustrated children's book about how unicorns are just stealthy horses should be made. Except unicorns are so stealthy they can't even be captured on a page. Hence why the Horse is there, and the unicorn is outlined with little stars. (We are awesome)
Basically, this is first "issue" as it were (the backstory to the issues to come, really) and it covers the story of a deep, resentful rivalry between, you guessed it, horses and unicorns. Or, one particular horse, and one particular unicorn, presumably fighting on behalf of all horses and unicorns. But you get the drift.
Anyway, Because it is his totally awesome birthday gift, and I wouldn't want to cheapen it by posting the entire thing online, you can take a look at the fancy cover (above) and maybe one day when I have my lapper at hand, I'll post another page. As a TEASER. But really, I'm probably never going to make another copy of this, and @SoupyToasterson will have a one of a kind comic book (which doubles as a COLOURING book and comes with crayons!) to call his own. Which involves gems such as a horse dressed up in spandex. And my very poor attempt to draw said spandex-clad horse.
Anyway, if you want to check out some party shenanigans, check out the soups and I on that tweetmadness, because I'm guessing that between us and the other party guests, we will be tweetin away about the ridiculous things that happen.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Doing the Impossible
Life's Big Questions: March 8, 2009: What Would You Attempt To Do If You Knew You Would Not Fail?
If I’d answered this question a few weeks ago when I’d initially intended to do so, my response would have been substantially different.
Yes, I’ve been slacking on my posting, but, to be fair, the last few weeks have been a total shit show. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, made a huge mess of things, now I’m going to go out on a limb and take some much-needed chances.
Today is the Pumpkin’s birthday, which means that for the last 7 days I’ve been plotting a whole slough of little surprises and gifts and fun things, including what I guess was actually a surprise party at our weekly coffee/pub night last night.
To be fair, we intended to surprise the kid at midnight, but at 11:17 I looked over at Goldilocks and we decided that we were sleepy enough to ignore the time and just celebrate a few minutes early. So, after excusing ourselves under the rouse of needing to get my wallet from his car, we brought in a gorgeous (and deliciously diabetic) Cravelicious Crave Cake, lit a squiggly candle, and plopped it in front of the Pumpkin, with Happy Birthday belting out at the top of our lungs.
I then proceeded to hand him his obscene and hilarious birthday card (the HOMO Boner Donor Card), and mortify him with his Birthday Poem.
There were a whole lot of inside jokes, a whole lot of mocking that some people still won’t understand, some disgustingly gross sections, and then a few heart-warming passages explaining how much we love him.
We laughed, some of us may have teared up a bit, but at the end of the night it just turned into one massive Pumpkin Love Fest, which, looking at that, sounds kind of kinky.
What I’m trying to get at, though, is that the Pumpkin just seemed so happy- I know it was a combination of a few things, but I honestly don’t know if the evening could have gone any better. In the end, I think he felt truly loved by everyone there, and if it would be possible to replicate that feeling every day, I would.
I don’t mean necessarily for the Pumpkin specifically, but rather for everyone I hold dear to me.
What if every single day I could make someone I loved feel ridiculously appreciated? Make them smile and laugh and blush and just irrevocably happy?
If I could choose one thing that I could try to do and not fail? Making those I care about happy. Every single day. Or even just make them all happy for one day. One day of total, outright bliss and contentment with the world.
It’s a very selfish thing to want to do, because at the end of the day, the thing that makes me happiest is making other people happy. I’m honestly not sure who enjoyed last night more- the Pumpkin or myself. All I know is that when I went home afterwards, I could not stop smiling, and I went to sleep knowing that if today could be 1/10th as good as yesterday, it would still leave me entirely happy.
At the end of the day, what else really matters? There will always be war, some people will always go hungry. There will always be pain and suffering and, while I’d like to believe that we could somehow solve all our problems, I think we’d just develop a whole slough of new ones out of sheer boredom if we could. So if I could do one thing, and be guaranteed not to fail?
Make people happy. No question.
Ca-caw.
If I’d answered this question a few weeks ago when I’d initially intended to do so, my response would have been substantially different.
Yes, I’ve been slacking on my posting, but, to be fair, the last few weeks have been a total shit show. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, made a huge mess of things, now I’m going to go out on a limb and take some much-needed chances.
Today is the Pumpkin’s birthday, which means that for the last 7 days I’ve been plotting a whole slough of little surprises and gifts and fun things, including what I guess was actually a surprise party at our weekly coffee/pub night last night.
To be fair, we intended to surprise the kid at midnight, but at 11:17 I looked over at Goldilocks and we decided that we were sleepy enough to ignore the time and just celebrate a few minutes early. So, after excusing ourselves under the rouse of needing to get my wallet from his car, we brought in a gorgeous (and deliciously diabetic) Cravelicious Crave Cake, lit a squiggly candle, and plopped it in front of the Pumpkin, with Happy Birthday belting out at the top of our lungs.
I then proceeded to hand him his obscene and hilarious birthday card (the HOMO Boner Donor Card), and mortify him with his Birthday Poem.
There were a whole lot of inside jokes, a whole lot of mocking that some people still won’t understand, some disgustingly gross sections, and then a few heart-warming passages explaining how much we love him.
We laughed, some of us may have teared up a bit, but at the end of the night it just turned into one massive Pumpkin Love Fest, which, looking at that, sounds kind of kinky.
What I’m trying to get at, though, is that the Pumpkin just seemed so happy- I know it was a combination of a few things, but I honestly don’t know if the evening could have gone any better. In the end, I think he felt truly loved by everyone there, and if it would be possible to replicate that feeling every day, I would.
I don’t mean necessarily for the Pumpkin specifically, but rather for everyone I hold dear to me.
What if every single day I could make someone I loved feel ridiculously appreciated? Make them smile and laugh and blush and just irrevocably happy?
If I could choose one thing that I could try to do and not fail? Making those I care about happy. Every single day. Or even just make them all happy for one day. One day of total, outright bliss and contentment with the world.
It’s a very selfish thing to want to do, because at the end of the day, the thing that makes me happiest is making other people happy. I’m honestly not sure who enjoyed last night more- the Pumpkin or myself. All I know is that when I went home afterwards, I could not stop smiling, and I went to sleep knowing that if today could be 1/10th as good as yesterday, it would still leave me entirely happy.
At the end of the day, what else really matters? There will always be war, some people will always go hungry. There will always be pain and suffering and, while I’d like to believe that we could somehow solve all our problems, I think we’d just develop a whole slough of new ones out of sheer boredom if we could. So if I could do one thing, and be guaranteed not to fail?
Make people happy. No question.
Ca-caw.
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