So, about a year and a half ago, roughly 1 month after seeing the first movie installment of Stephenie Meyer's ill-advised Twilight "Saga" I decided it would be a totally awesome idea to read Twilight. Because, hey, the books can't possibly be as bad as the movie, right?
Oh god. Why.
Let's keep in mind that, at the time, I was taking an intensive block-week course in school, which meant that for 5 days I spent 9 hours sitting in a classroom, condensing a semester worth of work into, well, a week. And in that week, outside of my school hours, which, okay, I probably should have spent on doing readings or preparing for my tests, I decided to read Twilight. And then New Moon. And then Eclipse. And then Breaking Dawn. And the moral of this story is that I wasted a whole lot of hours that week reading an utterly horrible series of books, and swore to myself that they would sit on one of my bookshelves as a testament to my shame over having wasted such precious time and money on something so unworthy of even a few moments fo my time or pennies of my money. Giftcards poorly spent.
And then I was talking to this guy, we'll call him @SoupyToasterson. And he mentioned that, although he has a sick love for literature designed for teen girls (one of his faves is Alice, I Think, which I have to admit is totally ballin') he had never moved past the first few pages of Twilight, because it just hurt so much.
So, he tells me he's never read it. And so I decide, well, he needs to know what it's about. He Needs To Understand. If he hasn't seen the movies or read the books, he doesn't understand. He cannot comprehend just how horrible it is.
So I made a really bad life choice and re-read Twilight. I'd intended to follow it up by rereading the rest of the series, but given that it took me a month to finish one book, I couldn't force myself to read the rest. At least not yet. Because it hurt me, and I could actually feel my brain melting out of my ears.
But I mean, that's a total waste, right? Just reading it? I needed to do something, I needed to share my information.
Basically, I took the time after reading each chapter of Twilight to sum it up in a neat little package. Between 8 and 45(ish) words per chapter, to be exact. My mission was to show that you could sum it up, chapter by chapter, hitting all the major plot points, and come out of a 24 chapter book using under 1000 words. And, for the record, it came in at 753. For those that are less mathematically inclined, that's a little over 30 words per chapter.
And then I divided it up, printed and folded and bound it, and now I have this perfect little book that basically ate my soul to make. Fun times.
Anyway, this book was included as the second part in @SoupyToasterson's birthday gifteroo, and is also doubling as a gift for everyone I know who has ever read Twilight, and everyone I know who has seen the movies and wants to get a refund for their time.
(Please keep in mind that I own none of the characters, "plot points," or, well, anything to do with Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. Gladly.)
My personal favourite excerpts include:
Bella Swan moves to the miserable town of Forks, Washington, to live with her dad, Charlie. She meets Edward Cullen, who can't stand to be in the same room as her. Already, two boys, Mike and Eric, are crushing on her. She cries herself to sleep.
Edward gives Bella a ride to school. Bella and Edward decide they are dating, even though they don't even hold hands. They sit together at lunch and are in love. They decide not to go to Seattle.
Edward asks Bella a lot of pointless questions.